S E C O N D A R Y   P S Y C H O T I C   F E A T U R E S

by Miracle Jones

 “Is that a present for me?”

 “This is an official Frozen-branded Olaf the Snowman Sno-Cone Maker. The box is signed by Josh Gad. I’ve already cleared it with Santa Rosa, and you will be allowed to have this in your cell. The flavor packets are expired, but I printed up some DIY recipes for you. The ice comes out of his little tum-tum, right here.”

“So if I save up my commissary I’ll be able to eat Spicy Chicken Ramen-flavored Olaf ice whenever I want. Yummo!”

“They said you had a sense of humor.”

“I personally have a sense of humor, but most people don’t have a sense of humor about me. Anna and Elsa wouldn’t sign any merch for the Beast?”

“I didn’t feel it was appropriate to reach out to either Kristen or Idina at this time.”

“Can I hold it? What are the original flavor packets? I don’t mind expired.”

“Strawberry and Raspberry. I hate to be like this, but you can only have this particular gift if you agree to talk to me today. There’s no quid pro quo with respect to the shape of our conversation. I just want to get to know you. And I want to prove to you that I have access.”

“I know that already. My lawyer looked you up. He showed me your LinkedIn. I’m definitely ready to dicker and haggle. Tits for tats! Let me hold the box, anyway. Do they still sell these in the park?”

“Not anymore. People consider them to be grotesque.”

“Could you get me the shoes that Emma Watson wore in the Beauty in the Beast movie? She doesn’t have to sign them or anything. I don’t care about that.”

“I can get you anything you want. But you know that already.”

 “You can’t even really see them in the movie. I love your nail polish. I don’t get a lot of visitors.”

 “That’s likely because of what you did.”

 “I hate that they call me the Beast. The Beast is my LEAST favorite prince. Did you know that his real name is actually supposed to be Prince Adam? Like fucking He-Man.”

 “Isn’t the Beast supposed to be French? That doesn’t sound very French to me.”

 “No, it’s total bullshit. His name should be Prince Jean Luc or Prince Pierre, something like that.”

“Bête is French for beast, as in ‘bête noir.’ Prince Bête.”

“I don’t know what ‘beat gnar’ means. Am I supposed to know what that means?”

“It means something you avoid.”

“Like prison.”

“Like murderers and rapists. Listen, we don’t have a lot of time together so we should probably talk about why I’m here.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world. I bet you do, too. Don’t they pay you good enough? Aren’t you on salary?”

“I’m here because I want to try to do a deal with you. And that will require your trust.”

“I know that already. You clearly want to trade Disney merch for information. And I’m clearly wiling to thrash out any dark bargain you might suggest. What took you so long? I’ve been asking since the beginning.”

“Unlike the cops or the lawyers of your victim, I actually work for Disney. For PR reasons, we needed to let things die down before we were comfortable getting formally involved.”

“And what does that mean for me in practical terms?”

“I’ve read all the transcripts, and I think that everything you’ve said about what happened is totally plausible.”

 “You do?”

 “It was a heightened situation. You were abusing methamphetamine. I think you’re telling the truth about the body of Aurora or at least the truth about what you think happened. At this point, I want to work with you here. I want us to reason it all out together.”

 “The body disappeared. That’s all I know.”

 “Like I said, I work for Disney. I don’t work for the family and I don’t work for the police. The park just wants to put all of this behind us so we can move forward. We want to help you figure out the details so that you can tell everyone else–the police, the lawyers, social media.”

 “You’re really very pretty. You could be my Princess Jasmine if you wanted. I’m not racist.”

 “Is that a threat?  Is that a coded threat?”

“I’m just pointing out that I’m not racist. There’s lots of racists in here. The COs separate the blacks and the whiteboys. We have separate TVs. They make us all be racists in here as a policy.”

“I’m not a Princess Jasmine. I’ve always been a Belle girl.”

“You didn’t ask, but the prince I like the most is Prince Phillip, from Sleeping Beauty.”

“Is that why your first victim was Aurora?”

“Elsa would have been easier. I would have just taken some sunburned big-titty blonde’s phone away and locked her in a walk-in refrigerator overnight at one of the Main Street USA ice cream parlors. With my new Sno-Cone maker, I’ll be able to think about that all the time while I’m locked up in here. Some hot blonde bitch freezing to death while I jack off and eat ice cream right outside the freezer door, listening to her frosty screams. Let it go, girl! Skeet skeet skeet!”

“They’re never going to call you a prince.”

“I never asked them to.”

“All anyone wants to know is how you managed to murder someone at WDW and hide the body. The family wants closure. Some people even think she’s still alive. And that’s a huge problem. If people actually know what happened, they’ll finally stop wondering. The Beast will stop being an interesting murder mystery to them. And ending this mystery is what Disney wants more than anything else at this point. We want to stop people’s imaginations from running away. We want to stop people’s bad dreams.”

 “A bad dream is a bad wish your bad heart makes. It makes me sick how people pretend like they don’t understand what I did. Princesses are made to be fucked, ripped apart, and then tossed in the trash.  And I confessed already. You caught me fair and square. And it was only my first murder so you can’t even really call me a serial killer. We both know that I’m going to do life in here just because of the publicity. And that’s not fair. There’s Miami gangbangers in here with four or five bodies on them from when they were teenagers and they’re going to make their parole eventually because they love Jesus now. They’re gonna be free someday, just because they killed boys and not women. We don’t care about men in this country. If you want the bad publicity to go away, you have to give me what I want. Disney owes me.”

 “Tell me about Aurora. Why did you choose that woman in particular?”

 “She was at the park all alone, first of all. That’s a huge part of it. She was like me, enjoying the happiest place on earth all by herself. I could tell she’d been to the park before. She was there all alone but she was beautiful and she was happy. Being happy made her beautiful. Big mouse ears and little runner’s tits. So that was honestly 99% of it. It was the time and the place and the feeling in my soul like I knew her already. LIke we were connected outside of time. And we are connected now, aren’t we? Chomos in here talk about little kids the same way. I guess I understand them.”

“You’d seen her at the princess half-marathon.”

“Yeah, that’s where I spotted her first. Part of it was that I also wanted her marathon medal. Those limited-edition marathon medals are hard to put your paws on. I love women who wear those soft cotton jersey t-shirts that show off their angry little nipples like smashed fingertips. I love it when those ladies are so tiny and thin you can see their clavicles like turkey bones under their shirt that you just want to snap.”

 “How much did you plan in advance?”

 “I planned everything. Though it’s not like anything went like I planned.”

 “You play a lot of video games. I’ve looked at your data usage here. You must have very good reflexes. You must be very good at adapting. At improvising.”

“Not really. There was this Aladdin game for the Sega Genesis when I was a kid. I must have played that game all the way through to the end a hundred times. So I guess what I am saying is that I like knowing how things are going to happen. I like to practice and be prepared.”

“When things started to go wrong with Aurora were you suddenly forced to make decisions that you didn’t expect?”

“Hurting someone is all sudden decisions. You go by instinct. You get excited and then you do what comes natural to you. You do what comes natural to her. Getting murdered is just natural to some people.”

 “So she was all alone and she had something concrete that you wanted and you felt connected to her. At what point did you actually begin following her around? She planned to be in the park for the week after runDisney, but you waited until the fourth day of her stay to actually talk to her. Had you been watching her all week long?”

 “Like I said, I’ve always had a thing for runners. Do you remember Suzy Favor Hamilton from the Olympics?”

“I did not handle Suzy’s case personally but I know that she was a problem. Remind me of the details?”

“She was voted best all-around college athlete of the year. She went to the Olympics. She was selected to be a Disney brand ambassador. She got married and started going to Vegas with her husband for funsies. She jumped out of a plane one weekend and then she had a threesome with her husband and then she got addicted to sex. She probably got her first big dick and that turned her inside out. Inside Out! That reminds me: Joy is definitely a princess and she’s definitely on my list. I definitely want to fuck Joy. Anyway, Suzy blamed her nymphomania on anti-depressants, like Roseanne with Ambien, but we all know she was just a good old-fashioned slut waiting for some horny aggro cowboy to awaken something inside her. She started working as a high-priced hooker between Disney gigs and her husband just went with it, because what else was he supposed to do? I would have paid anything to fuck that slut. Imagine paying to fuck a real life Disney princess still on the payroll! Imagineer it!”

“I remember her now. When the story came out it ruined her life.”

“You don’t think Disney knew what she was doing?  You don’t think Disney executives in Vegas paid her to dress up like Cinderella for them? You don’t think they fucked her ten-at-a-time to ‘Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo’? I hope they paid her what she’s worth. Anyway, my Aurora was a runner like Suzy, but she had dark hair and she was built small. She had short legs. She couldn’t even finish the marathon, but they gave her a medal anyway. I knew she was there on a week pass because people with a week pass all do the park the same way. But I gave myself three days to learn her habits and to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake, so that’s why it took me so long. I knew if I waited any longer she was gonna start to recognize me and then get spooked and my plan wouldn’t work.”

 “What else did you like about her?”

 “She had that flawless European skin. Bright red lipstick. I liked that she wasn’t young. I liked that she wasn’t one of these TikTok people. You could tell that she was conservative. I don’t vote but I liked that aspect of her. She had an innocent heart but there was a brutality to her. I didn’t know what she did for a living, but I could tell she had a difficult job. I could tell that she probably spent a lot of time eating shit at work. She wanted someone to take her away from all that, which is exactly what I did.”

 “Were you specifically looking for someone like Aurora to be your first? Why not Snow White? Snow White was the first chronologically.”

 “Minnie Mouse was actually the first princess, if we’re being Technical Timmys. Minnie Mouse was in Steamboat Willie in 1928. Snow White was 10 years later. I don’t know why I wanted to start with Aurora. I damn sure didn’t want to start with Minnie Mouse. Did you know that Black Pete is even older than Mickey? He’s a drunk who likes to hurt women. Makes you think about the real DNA of Disney.”

“Maybe they should call you Black Pete.”

“Nobody in Santa Rosa is gonna call this whiteboy Black Pete.”

 “Walk me through the way you got hold of Aurora.”

 “You think I’ll tell you something I haven’t told anyone else?”

 “I just want to know how you did it in your own words.”

 “I don’t even know what you’re offering me here yet. You know what I want. I haven’t been shy about asking. So am I getting what I want?”

 “For every excellent answer that I get from you to a question that you haven’t answered before, you’ll receive a VHS tape from your list in an official limited-edition plastic clamshell. And if you successfully give me everything I want–including answers that satisfy the family, such as answers that lead to physical evidence that the family will be able to either cremate or bury–you’ll be able to have a VHS video player where you can even watch these tapes. We’ll even replace them if you wear them out. How does that sound to you?”

“There’s a lot of tapes on my list. I’ll admit that I was pretty liberal with my personal definition of a princess. And don’t forget Inside Out.”

 “There are some films that Disney never released on VHS on account of the limited edition structure of our home movie release model. I was able to record them for you directly from the masters. You could go back to your cell today with everything that you want, including this Sno-Cone maker. But that will only happen if you tell me everything I need to know so I can put an end to our internal investigation.”

 “The Lion King is specifically NOT on my list. I don’t have any interest in fucking any lions. Alice in Wonderland, however, is one of my favorites. Alice is who Black Pete was chasing in the very beginning. A different Alice, though. Too young for me.”

“Your list will be honored in all of its peculiarities.”

“Are they widescreen? I fucking hate that shit. They better not be widescreen.”

 “They’re pan-and-scan, just as you have requested.”

“Let me think about this. I honestly can’t believe this is finally happening. I’m excited. I should think this all the way through, though. I have to make a good decision here.”

“Take all the time you need. Would you like to discuss this with your lawyer?”

“I hate my fucking lawyer. But I don’t even know what questions you’re going to ask.”

“We want you to help us close any security loopholes you found at WDW. I know that you love Disney. I love Disney, too. And people want to feel safe at WDW. Don’t you want them to feel safe there? Don’t you want other people to have that same good, safe feeling?”

“I don’t feel particularly safe anywhere. And the psychiatrists have informed me that I don’t necessarily believe that other people are totally real. They encourage me to accept this fact and move on. Also, I was full-on Goofy Movie on meth at the time so I would have outfoxed you no matter what with respect to the security side of things. You cinch up one loophole and you’re going to make ten more. But the important thing is what I’ve said all along: her body just disappeared. And I didn’t plan it that way. How could I? I don’t even know what happened.”

“So walk me through it.”

“You’re really good at making me feel comfortable. Do they have interrogation training at Disney now? Like when Disney hired a bunch of Nazi interrogators after World War 2?”

“What are you talking about?”

“There was this one guy Hans Scharff. He did all the mosaics in the Cinderella castle and some at Epcot. I think of him every time I look at the Disney logo. Look him up. He was the Luftwaffe’s best man. Very friendly and professional. Of course, everybody knew that if you didn’t do a deal with Sharff you were gonna have to deal with the Gestapo instead.”

“I’m glad he went into a different line of work.”

“You know how he got his answers?  He would pretend like he already knew everything and then he would just walk people through the facts as if establishing them as a formality. He would hesitate when he didn’t know something like he was checking his file or like he didn’t know the right words in English and his prisoner would start to complete his sentences for him, just to move him along. They would tell him everything he wanted to know without even knowing they were revealing anything.”

“Sounds like a smart guy.”

“I know all sorts of crazy facts. Did you know I was in a Disney Club in high school? It was pretty weird. We all picked Disney characters we liked and then we called each other by Disney names. The club was full of total dorks. Real pieces of shit like me, you know? There were some people there who thought about Disney 24 hours a day. There was one kid there who could quote every single line of every single movie. He wanted us to call him Peter Pan, but we called him Peter Pain. Imagine getting picked on, even in Disney Club. First girl I ever fucked was in that Disney Club. She went by Ariel, but her real name was Olivia Herzmuller. The Disney Club was full of Germans. It was sort of a German-American identity association. Disney won’t sue you if you use their IP in American public schools as long as you don’t make Dumbo your football mascot or anything like that. They want kids to think Disney properties are timeless and universal. They want kids to think that Disney stories are the only good true stories that belong to everyone.”

“And who were you in this club?”

“I was Roger Rabbit. He’s not even FULLY Disney, technically. I wanted to be different, I guess.”

“I’m not sure most people care who owns Roger Rabbit.”

“You know that movie is based on a novel?  You believe that shit?  Somebody actually wrote a novel about Roger Rabbit?”

“Did Aurora remind you of Olivia from Disney Club?”

 “I wanted each one of my princesses to be different. My concept for Aurora was to drug her and then fuck her to death under a ride while all the kids were cheering. That was my concept. Sleeping Beauty!”

“Yes, we’ve all seen the video.”

“If I’d gotten to Ariel, I would have drowned her in one of the pools. Maybe cut off her legs.”

“Very creative.”

“It’s crazy no one came and stopped me while it was happening. People literally didn’t see me, even though they were looking right at me through the gears and the structural steel.”

“They weren’t looking for you. And she wasn’t the only one screaming. It’s a scary ride.”

“Yeah. I got lucky.”

“So tell me how you enticed her into the maintenance room in the first place.”

“That was the part where anything could go wrong. I slipped on the same color MagicBand as her once I clocked what color she was wearing that day. I went up to her and showed her that we were both reds. I was very nervous, but I told her that I had just found a secret spinning wheel statue that was only activated by red MagicBands like ours. I told her that no one on the internet knew about it yet. I was excited. I told her that it was in such an out-of-the-way place that we might even be the very first to trigger it. I asked her if she would be willing to let me take a video of her activating the spinning wheel for YouTube and she said she would help me out if it wasn’t too far. I told her it was right around the corner, but that it was hidden away in an old abandoned storage room, just like the real spinning wheel in the movie.”

“And so she followed you.”

“She didn’t have the slightest prickle that anything was wrong. I’m dead certain that she felt totally safe with me right up until the end. We were around the same age and I wasn’t trying to hit on her or anything. I was being very casual and cool and I made sure to go first so that she was the one following me and so I wasn’t chasing her like a predator or pushing her into anything. ‘How did you even find this place?’ she asked me. I told her that somebody else showed me but I didn’t know where they’d gone. I joked that now she would have to show someone else in order to pass on the virus. Then I led her into the room.”

“‘There’s nothing in here,” she said, sort of bemused. That’s when I sprayed her with the fentanyl blend I ordered from the internet. But it didn’t work. She just looked at me, stunned and wet. The mist dripped right into her mouth, but it didn’t even make her dizzy. I could tell she was about to start freaking out. That’s when I shoved my elbow into her neck and just straight up tackled her. She went down hard. She didn’t weigh anything. The back of her head hit the concrete and there was a very satisfying soft crunch, like an Easter egg smashed between two bricks, and then she was out. I picked her up. The ride was right there. She was still alive at that time. I was mad at myself because the spray didn’t work but I was proud of myself for thinking fast.”

“That’s when you carried her to the ride and raped her.”

“It was right by the Seven Seas Lagoon.”

“And you didn’t see anything strange at all afterward?”

“Like I said, the body just disappeared. I got off her and  I was just sitting there cross-legged beneath the ride holding her runDisney marathon medal and I was feeling very happy and very satisfied. There was a lot of blood everywhere. Her head never stopped bleeding. I was actually thinking about how I might actually get out of there without getting caught, even though my plan hadn’t gone right. I was sure that my biggest problem was that somebody would see all the blood eventually. That’s when I heard all the screams and yelling and people started to converge on me. And then I turned to look and her body was gone.”

“What did you think happened?”

“At first I was relieved, you know, because that meant that maybe she was still alive. But there was still so much blood. And then they were holding me on the ground and arresting me and violating my rights. They had the camera footage of what happened but the camera didn’t have any coverage close to the water’s edge under the ride.”

“What do you think happened?”

“I have no fucking clue.”

“We think she regained consciousness. We think she escaped into the lagoon and started to swim away. We think she was attacked by alligators and dragged all the way into the bay.”

“Maybe. Maybe that’s how it went. That’s what my lawyer thinks happened. I love your skin. It’s such a warm shade. Did you know that Hamas has a version of Mickey Mouse? They don’t call him Mickey Mouse. They call him Farfour and he was on the Palestinian show Tomorrow’s Pioneers. He taught kids about how to throw grenades and shoot Jews and then he was beaten to death by an Israeli interrogator and replaced by his cousin the bumblebee. I guess Disney did a deal with Hamas or something. Maybe Hamas knows a little too much about those Nazi tiles in the Cinderella castle?”

“Lots of countries have their own unlicensed version of Mickey Mouse.”

“Now that you’re here and you’re so sure that it was alligators, maybe I should tell you about this crazy idea I personally have about what might have actually happened. It’s an idea that I toss around in my idle time while I’m sitting in my cell NOT watching incredible Disney movies. I think you’re right: I think she regained consciousness while I was sitting there panicking about all the blood. I think she jumped in the lagoon to get away and I think she started swimming. And then I think she got sucked into some kind of pump and I think her body was pureed into blood-and-guts dole whip. And I think Disney knows that’s exactly what happened and I think somebody stupid tried to cover it up and accidentally erased her completely. But I think nobody wants to admit that’s what happened because that would get me off the hook for murder. I’m innocent of murder if what really killed her was some Disney accident. So it’s better if the body disappeared. It’s better if it’s alligators. People are already afraid of Disney alligators. So that’s better for you, but not better for me.”

“I thought you said you were ready to do a deal.”

“I am ready. I am ready to do a deal. I’m not a fucking idiot. I know there’s no way out of here for me. You’re fucking Disney. You have all the power in the world.”

“So what you are saying is you saw an alligator. You saw that alligator and you are going to get all the videos you want.”

“Sure, test all those alligators. Start popping alligators and scraping out their guts. Maybe you’ll find some DNA from her press-on fingernails.”

“Maybe. In the meantime, what you’re telling me here today is that you saw a tail splashing into the water at some point during the crisis?”

“Yeah, sure, I saw a big ol’ gator with sleepy cartoon eyes haul her away in his slobbering jaws. His tail was going swish swish swish. Did I do good? Do I get my videotapes?”

“Everything takes time. We’re just getting started. We’ve got a long list of questions to get through today. So far you’ve definitely earned yourself one videotape from your list, though.”

“Aladdin. Because you’ve got such pretty skin.”


“You know what I would have done to my Princess Jasmine?”

“We need to focus.”

“Cut off her hands. Cut off her head with a scimitar like in those ISIS videos. Wouldn’t that be funny? Do you think Disney is trying to prepare us to reverse democracy and love royalty again with all these princesses? I fucking hope so.”

“I’ve got a map here. Why don’t you tell me which entrance you came in that day and how you managed to keep your MagicBand from registering you in the first place?”

“That Jasmine video would have been fucking hysterical. Wanna hear about what I would have done to my Pocahontas?”

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(c) Miracle Jones 2024