Women, Wifi & Weed: Democrats 2018

	

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by Miracle Jones

At his core, our President is an inexpert, cruel virgin sadist who is not in control of his own urges and whose dark hungers and obsessive desires spill out into our country precisely to the extent that his main targets for sexual humiliation and boring games of dominance are removed by transparency, by his worried handlers, and by scandal.

Are you feeling cruel and sadistic yourself yet? People who have been paying attention: do you understand yet how aggressive and vengeful the strategic triangulation of wedge issues can be, now that you have felt them used against you by fumbling kink neophytes jazzed up by their own long-denied power fantasies?

Listen up if you really want to crush those Republicans in 2018, if you want to smash them so far down into the pavement that all of the bones in their spinal columns collapse into each other like irradiated chalk, punching their skulls down into their heels and leaving their busted jaws hanging useless on top of shivering puddles of miserable tenderized flesh and bone flinders, the light dying in their slack, blue, mean “left behind white rural working class” eyes, spittle mixed with blood spraying onto busted slippery raw chicken elbows and split marrow-spewing ribs, so goddamned pathetic that in order to put them out of their miseries the only humane thing you can do is squat over their gasping, choking, helpless throats, which still bleat meaningless memes, and unfurl your perfect globalist genitals above their flattened meat jello bodies and piss down their gasping salt-of-the-earth lagerholes, drowning out their gargles for mercy, forcing them to aspirate your thick, rich, luxurious, glistening golden urine which magically tastes just like the last fifteen dollar chai latte you drank.

Listen up, if that’s what you want.

I believe that it would be infelicitous for the Democrats to run on promises they can’t keep, facing a historically hostile executive, an energized populist right, and a pubescent, know-nothing “far left” suspicious of immigrants and “banking” (or whatever) that does not yet understand the methods and goals and tactics of the Republican party. I believe that the Democrats should run on promises that can be defining for a generation, promises which, once kept, will demoralize the current hateful populist moment, asphyxiating it, cutting the blood-surging TV head from the inflamed internet lungs.

In order to take back the House of Representatives and Senate, Democrats would be wise to focus on three wedge issues that include tangible policy goals and that will substantially increase the sum total of human rights in America: gender parity w/r/t representation in federal and state governments, the full legalization of weed and amnesty for people in prison as a result of weed crimes, and the extension of high-speed internet into America’s “left behind” places, coterminous with the enshrinement of net neutrality into federal law.

During the next ten years:

--The amount of people who think weed should be legal (and who think that people should be released from prison and have their records fully expunged for possessing or dealing weed) will continue to rise;

--The amount of people who think there should be more women in public office to reflect the actual demographics of the American population will continue to rise; and

--The amount of people who think access to a free and open internet should be a human right will continue to rise.

As much as I want the 2018 midterm elections to be a referendum on immigration or public education or gun control or democracy itself, the American far left has outsourced its thinking on these issues to isolationist, provincial Europeans and it will take a few years to eviscerate the European far left’s doddering, irrelevant leaders and make condoms from their weak guts to safely fuck their empty heads. The gun control debate, for instance, is extremely hardened, partisan, and deadlocked: rural states like Vermont are overrepresented in Congress and there is no changing this. Yet, even these depopulated states full of the ringworm-scarred precariat still get high, contain women, and want better, cheaper internet service.

These lead poisoned aspiring truck drivers dripping chaw down their angular-chelation-riddled jaws might shoot you as soon as look at you, but even they want to put pictures of themselves posing beside your urban, bullet-riddled corpse on Instagram while holding a blunt or whatever.

WOMEN.

Hard facts even if your opinion of human beings is low: birth control, germ theory, and resultant antiseptics mean women can usually live past the age of sixteen, even if men still rape women at the same rate as they always have. Rape is no longer also a death sentence, meaning women live longer and better lives than they ever have before, even if men still treat women like shit. The fact that people have fewer children also means that parents accidentally value the educations, careers, and opinions of their daughters more than they ever have, sometimes having no alternative.

In fact, much of the civilized world has decided to accept that women are people. This is good news! Women are, technically speaking, the default majority group for the human world. Humans are women is a more true statement than women are humans. Unfortunately, this means that until there are more women than men in our government (just ever so slightly more), our government doesn’t really reflect the will of the people and is kind of “not legitimate” and much weaker than it might be, since such a government is not seeking and gaining and using the actual consensus of actual American stakeholders (people, defined as women) to craft policy and achieve American ends. Putin gets it and fears it, why don’t Democrats? American women (people) are terrifying and effective.

This is a bipartisan problem! Fear of solving this problem is one of the chief reasons for the sovereign, illiberal democracies plaguing Eastern Europe and spreading here! It is a human rights problem! Democrats don’t have to do very much to help solve this problem except stubbornly and consistently aid and promote women running for office! Republicans, being people (women) are in the same boat and will fight the same fight and it will be good for democracy all over, right down the line!

WIFI.

Not only is the legislative enshrinement of net neutrality vital to the future economic interests of America which will continue to produce and innovate in the tech and media sectors, possibly transitioning to an all “remote” internet workforce kept neck deep in Soylent and black t-shirts thanks to universal basic income, net neutrality is even a powerful issue for people who don’t understand anything about the internet or net neutrality.

Expanding internet service to the rural poor seems dangerous and stupid, I know, but it is the right thing to do. We could drop Disney comic books about STDS out of helicopters, but they would probably just shred them and use them to make soft nests where they can raise their glow-in-the-dark, feral children. Hooking them up with broadband internet service is more efficient and they will definitely be grateful: Southerners have weird Faulknerian ideas about honor! They will rise up to their full height, breathing heavy through inflamed, possum-dander afflicted sinuses, and publicly, loudly, effusively thank the Democrats for helping them achieve internet in their time of need, locking eyes with these embarrassed, ashamed Democrats until their heartfelt gratitude has been properly received and their Powerful Christian Humility has been noted and processed.

WEED.

Weed gets you high, feels great, lowers the rate of opiate addiction, is a renewable, taxable commodity, could be the salvation of the former “tobacco states” which are often paid by the government to grow nothing, and could be the perfect soft power solution for finally making Russia and China chill the fuck out. Weed is not particularly addictive, and doesn’t really kill anybody, unlike worshipping God, unlike insufficiently sterilized anal beads.

If you have any ambitious “successful” friends who have never smoked weed, you have a solemn obligation this year to finally break them down using all your cunning and get them to smoke weed with you. And then, when they are laid out on their backs, hearts beating wildly, confused yet exhilarated, realizing that everybody has been lying to them all these years (or they have been lying to themselves), you should pretend to call the cops or pretend to call their parents, whichever one you think will be more terrifying.

When they scramble to their feet, paranoid and shrieking, you should laugh and say: “Ha ha, just kidding. I mean, you can’t join the State Department now or be a manager at Walmart or whatever, but you can still vote Democrat in 2018!”

WOMEN, WIFI & WEED!

What else do the Democrats have to offer this year besides women, wifi, and weed? That Donald Trump sucks? Everyone knows that. We all know he is a crappy dude who has never fucked and looks and smells exactly like a piece of shit. No one has ever wondered: what was Donald Trump like when he was four years old? We all fucking know.

The timid might think there are risks to wholeheartedly adopting a women, wifi, and weed platform. After George McGovern won the 1972 Democratic presidential primary, it was Senator Thomas Eagleton of Missouri (who had not yet been tapped as McGovern’s vice-president) who lamented to future neocon Robert Novak that "The people don't know McGovern is for amnesty, abortion, and legalization of pot. Once middle America--Catholic middle America, in particular--finds this out, he's dead.”

His lamentations were not out of character. In fact, Thomas Eagleton would be yanked from the McGovern campaign as a result of his chronic depression. However, the damage was already done: “AMNESTY, ABORTION, AND ACID!” would be the slogan that Nixon would use to fight McGovern, after recognizing the depth and exploitability of these fissures.

To me, amnesty, abortion, and acid sounds like a great weekend (maybe not in that order). If there were a bar called AMNESTY ABORTION ACID, I would go there every night. But more importantly these are all issues where people have already made up their minds and where there is no room left to “politick.” This is not true about women, wifi, and weed. People’s attitudes are changing; “common sense” is shifting about these issues. Weed is not acid, women are not abortion, fucking around on the internet is not amnesty for draft dodgers.

Why not go strong on issues that people don’t have hardened opinions about, that are not life or death issues, that will vastly improve the lives of Americans with respect to feeling free, feeling represented, feeling like they have access to the wider global community, feeling able to make choices and have human agency?

Push hard for women, wifi, and weed and you will leave the Republicans with no one willing to fight enthusiastically against the Democrats in 2018 but Jeff Sessions. Focusing on these issues will outflank an already weary, outnumbered army that is fat and drowsy on its own high-calorie secretions and will press them against the sea where they can be captured and brought to terms. Jeff Sessions has nightmares about this every single night. In these nightmares, he is naked on a white horse named Traveler and instead of his granpappy's Confederate saber he is holding some other dude’s dick and it is a gif that Lindsay Graham has made and he is showing it to John McCain and they are both grinning at him and elbowing each other and Atlanta is burning again and Alabama is turning blue forever, and oh god, oh god, wake up, Jeff, wake up, it's only a dream...you are drowning in sweet champagne-flavored globalist urine....

Women, wifi, and weed, my friends! Scream it at protests! Make t-shirts! Make screen-printed posters! Choke social media with your jingles, and doodles, and bywords!

(Actual meme, courtesy of Ryan Spencer. You can buy t-shirts here! All profits go to progressive Democrats running for office in 2018 and beyond)

I know it sounds like we are giving these things away. I know it sounds like we are trying to get people to come to a party.

But you know what? We are trying to get people to come to a party! We are giving these things away! And it is going to be great, don’t even worry, don't even fret, just get busy sending out invitations and stocking up and making room for the vast, rowdy multitudes about to come over to hang out, to crash on the couch, to join the hard but extremely enjoyable fight to make the world ever-so-slightly better for every single person, even our enemies!

We will build a better "tomorrow" using the liquified corpses of the Republicans that we macerate into meat slurry as the mortar for our dreams and we will even remember the Republicans as valiant opponents in our songs and books and films, lying about their prowess and honor and aptitude in order to make our victory even more delectable, even more luscious to savor when we think back to this time when it was our turn to come together and our turn to struggle and our turn to win. The world will change and it will not change back and then we will move on to new fights, shaking hands with each other, perhaps only temporarily united, but united nonetheless for as long as it takes to get our goddamn revenge.